I love you.

Life unfolds, life goes on and on and all the while we have moments of perspective, but only moments, and life goes on. Moments of clarity, moments of understanding. They are points from which we can look back and reflect on what has come to pass--what seemed nonsensical and random. From here, we can see, if only in part, what was going on with more clarity.

If you are confused at this point, I apologize...haha, because it is only going to get more confusing from here. The following will be an attempt at being..."deep." Haha, no. This is just another post about me and God and my struggles.

The concept of this post: I am going to write things backwards in time, starting from what happened last night (Thursday) and then jumping to last Friday night. You can read this post in two ways forward (which is really backwards) or backwards--starting from the bottom and going to the top (which is really forwards). Haha, oiy. Whatever, just read.

"I love you."
So weak, so fragile
Yes. Everyday, every moment
and I needed to know that God loves me?
talking about the gospel, saying in prayers, "I take refuge in the cross"
Bible studies, quiet times, prayer, Sunday service, sermons, worship
How could I be so blind? How could I forget?
stir and dance within me.
The sweetness of love and sorrow of depravity
and my heart is glad
but God says, "I love you."
nothing has been able to penetrate my hardened and tired heart
For a week, or maybe even weeks,
I cry
and God says, "I love you."
As I read "precious," I begin to cry.

Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you.

For I am the LORD your God
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you
You are mine
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name
I am the LORD, he who created you, who formed you.
God speaks.
I read.
Isaiah 43
Looking out across the buildings, I open my Bible.
I sit on my balcony at midnight.
I walk into our living room and out on our balcony with Bible in hand.
I say, "Wow, thank you [for listening]. I didn't realize a lot of that."
I have been playing God and sinner, Father and daughter
No wonder I have been feeling tired and unsatisfied
I have been meeting with myself, my own thoughts
I tell her that it is almost like I have unplugged from God
stopped depending on Him, His power, His love, and Him revealing Himself
and I am just going off of what I already know of God
when I go to pray it is like I am just thinking about God
and administering to my hurts, worries, and needs with my head knowledge
but my heart is not truly seeking God and I am not really meeting with God.
Everything is head knowledge
I need to keep my time with God,
but let loose the constraints and structure that I have let
suffocate and rob me of receiving from God.
Reading the Bible and praying I have not ceased to do....but
Loving and delighting and rejoicing with all my heart and soul I have.
As I talk and try to sort out what is going on,
things become more clear.
She asks what am I going to do about this.
My eyes water, I begin to cry
as I tell her that I have lost my sense of seeking God and LIVING for God
in the ACTS/APPEARANCE/ROUTINE of seeking God and the 1 2 3's of living for God.
She continues to listen.
I continue to talk.
She listens.
I explain a little bit.
I ask her to keep me in her prayers.
We talk for a little bit.
I wave hello to my room-roommate.
I enter my room
I think to myself, "Maybe I am okay now."
I talk. Everything seems normal.
We walk into the apartment together
I run into my roommate in the hallway
but I feel myself reach for the door to the stairs
I want to stay their just looking out over the night skyline
God whispers to me, "I am watching over. You are safe."
For a moment, I get this comforting sense of how small I am.
I catch a glimpse of the view of San Francisco.
I walk to the stairwell.
I say, "Bye. See you tomorrow."
We pray. It feels good to pray with a friend & sister.
All I can see is what I do and what I cannot do
All I can see is the immediate things
Losing sight of His power and love
Feeling like I am losing sight of God
I begin to describe some indicators I see in myself.
I feel burnt out.
Finally, I just say it: "I am always really reluctant to use this word, but..."
I lead off with this whole disclaimer of uncertainty
"I am not sure if this is what I am really feeling or
if this is an accurate assessment of where I am."
We begin to share prayer requests.
I am tired.
Among talk of our weeks, Exposed, and how our days were,
she tells me how she is tired.
Go up to hangout with a friend.
Come back from Exposed.
Thursday, April 9th

"Why am I crying?"
I think, "Whoa. Where is this coming from?"
I start to cry.
and as I struggle with the columns
As I continue to struggle against time. It is 6:30PM. FNF Starts at 7:00PM
I finish both calls.
I explain my struggles with Microsoft Word
She asks if I am okay.
Not convincing.
"Yeah, I...uhh..I think I can still... make dinner work."
Switch
As I talk, another phone call
Another call
I get off the phone with no chance to think
My "struggles" are small and silly
What a slap of sobering reality
I hear on the receiver, "I can't meet. We're in the hospital."
I say an agitated hello
I get a phone call
As I continue to struggle with the computer
I yell at the computer
"Why won't the columns work?!?"
now to make the song sheets
pick the songs
play guitar for an hour and half
I get back to my apartment
I have to prep worship for FNF
the statement took longer than I thought
Luckily I am not meeting up with my friend
Turn in scholarship application
Talk with a friend, mess around with gchat
Write a statement for a scholarship
Go back to Davis Computer Lab
I am less stressed about our project
Meet with the professor; he is so helpful
but we're meeting with the professor
Meet with my group...we still dont' know what we're doing
I go to Wurster to prep for a group project meeting
We talk about guys, questions, what we will be doing
We talk and catch up on what we've missed in each other's lives
I go to meet with a friend over breakfast.
Ohh, but I have to wake up.
I slept late
Friday, April 3rd

These are my struggles and my joys in the Lord. It wasn't clear to me last Friday why I was crying all of a sudden. I thought that it was just random, stress from that one day. But yesterday on my balcony (it was clear) I found that I was tired, trying to live out of my own strength, knowledge of God, ability to be disciplined, and I was fast growing disappointed and dissatisfied with what I was seeing. I could only see how I wasn't enough, how I should be doing so much more, how I should be happy and joyful, how I should not stress, how I needed to get things done, and how I dissappoint people.

What I need is what God has.

He is enough. He is able. He is willing. He is ready.
He is my comfort, my joy, my salvation, and my peace.
He is a refuge.

When you come face to face with what you lack, when you cannot deny any longer that you are not okay, go to God; He has love for you. When you feel like you can do it on your own, when you feel like everything is within your control, go to the cross; He has grace for you. When you despair and suffer and struggle, go to Jesus; He has love for you. When you are thankful and joyful for what God has given you, you are at His feet; He has grace for you.

Let us not fool ourselves any longer. Let's just say it out loud:
WE NEED GOD
This will always be true. Even when Jesus returns, when it is the end of the age, when heaven comes down, we will need God. He is the only source of life, love, goodness and freedom.

So if we need Him, then let us not live out of ourselves.
Let us come to Him again and again unashamed, with child-like dependence.